The birth of my new blog.... the blog where I can be honest... & say what I think.... & start working on ME. & start re thinking my choices....
I find it impossible to keep a diary... but post it on the Internet for the world to read... &
I am so there...
I think...I am in the midst of a mid life crisis... or maybe in a more positive light... I have had my A -HA moment?
I was sitting on face book in total AWE of a former classmate & how THIN she was.... she is on drugs... she must be... she, like myself...was on the "roundish" side in HS....... she slimmed down... WAY down... So I was thinking DRUGS...or eating disorder...
Hmmm... wish I could have a little bit of an eating disorder....
(I realize that eating disorders are not funny....but for all of us who have ever struggled with our weight... you know you have WISHED for a little tiny bit of what ever makes anorexics tick....the same way I wish I had a little OCD when it comes to keeping my house clean & organized)
& then it HIT ME... -I had my A HA moment.... I am the way that I am because of
MY CHOICES... I have never really thought about my weight / issues like that...
I have spent my ENTIRE LIFE battling the bulge... I was put on my first diet at 5... & have lived with the ups & downs ever since.....
I have been in a downward spiral for the past year.... bigger than I have been in a long time... since a teenager I have yo-yo ed my way between a size 8-16... I would be "fat" for a few months (14-16) & then "slim" back down to a (10-12) I have always been able to take the weight off or at least down when I was in a crunch.... but not this time... this time I feel like I am getting bigger & bigger & bigger.... & I am unable to stop it.
To be honest, this is the first time I have tried to drop the weight without the help of diet pills... I lost 60 lbs after the birth of my son with a little help from Metabolife... by a "little" help, I mean I was popping around 12 pills a day... but DAMN I LOOKED GOOD....
diet pills are not longer an option... am I doomed to be fat & to getting bigger every year?
Then the whole notion of MY CHOICE hit me again... I have a choice to how I WANT to be... how I want to live... like talking to a toddler..."You can choose this...or you can choose that..." I can give up, & become the fat frumpy 40 year old I am on my way to becoming or I can CHOOSE to do something about it.
I can choose to eat crap & snack... or I can choose to plan a head & make myself healthy meals so that I don't go crazy on crap.... My Choice....
I can choose to plan my day around Oprah & Dr. Phil laying on the couch & feel more & more miserable as nothing fits & I no longer want to leave the house.... or I can choose to turn off the TV & MOVE.... every step helps right? MY Choice....
My choices over the past few years have been to give up on myself... to lose myself in my husband & my family, & not to take care of myself... that was MY CHOICE... but now, I CHOOSE to take care of ME... I choose happiness... & health...
Some of the choices I have made over the past few days have been... throwing away the sweets & cakes in the house that I am unable to say no to... I CHOSE to not eat the crap...
I choose to take time for myself walking...just walking & walking & walking... It isn't a fancy gym...but it is movement... it is getting me out of the house, away from kids & husband giving me some much needed ME time... moving in the right direction.
My goal right now is to take responsibility for MY CHOICES... if I end up gaining another 10 lbs this year it is MY CHOICE... my responsibility... then again I can start making different better choices right?
Today..right now, I choose me....
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