10 k Baby... & OH CRAP

OK so for the good news... I walked 10 k today! yea me.... which is 6.25 miles (I had to look that up) I am really proud of myself...

As you may have noticed...(all 3 of you) I have been MIA the past few days... & did not post my Wed. weigh in... I ended up losing 2 lbs last week. I feel like saying ONLY 2 lbs... but i know at least it is a step in the right direction. & I know I was getting a little relaxed last week with what I was eating... not bad, but 2 much salt for SURE... (PMS)

SO I assured myself I was OK... I have an 8 lb loss thus far & that is a good start... I have been telling myself SLOW but STEADY...I can do this....

Only to find out... My company Christmas party is going to be FORMAL...SHIT.

I had an outfit I loved... was looking forward to the party but now this... I am not going out to buy a formal gown for this party... & the formals I do have... I haven't worn since before I got pregnant with EVA... 5 years ago....

So now I am in PANIC mode... screw the steady & slow approach, I need to lose some serious weight FAST... like 10 lbs in 10 days... (sounds like it could be a TV show) & guess who just started today....N I C E..

I tried 2 dresses on, which don't look outdated.... I can get them both zipped, but anyone looking at my mid section will be able to tell i had 2 c-sections (oh, & that the dress would be PERFECT if only it was 2 sizes LARGER....)

CRAP.... CRAP.... CRAP.... Hubby seems to believe I will make the dresses work/fit in the 10 days I have...(I think he is just saying that so I don't go out & buy something new...)

So I am officially kicking it in.... Not weighing myself until Wed. but with Aunt Flo in town, it probably wont be great news anyway.....

So please... y'all, cross your fingers that I can pull this off & do enough stomach crunches to not look like a TOTAL PIG at the Christmas Party.....
THANKS!

Ugh... Not the BEST day...

Hope I am not falling off of the wagon... Didn't have a GREAT day... not really bad, but feel like my MOJO is failing me.

I didn't walk today.... first time in almost 2 weeks... just too much crap going on, with kids, hubby, house, work....

I didn't eat BAD... no junk, but not as good as I have been... & I didn't drink 1/2 the water I SHOULD have....


I weighed myself yesterday eventhough I PROMISED myself I was only going to weigh once a week... I was down another 2 lbs... YEA... Hope I keep it up before my "REAL" weigh in on Wed.

BLAHHHHHH... wish me luck... tomorrow I am going to kick it in even if I have to take my walk at 10 pm in freezing weather.... SERIOUSLY

Weekend update...My husband the"FEEDER"

You all know what a feeder is right? I have seen a couple of documentaries , about guys like that... & I think it could be my HUBBY....

Today he brought PIZZA home for me... Mmmm THANKS... and being in a feeding frenzy from being out shopping all day... what did I do? I ate 2 pieces.... They were the WORST PIZZA I have ever eaten...seriously, I don't think it had anything to do with the hypnosis...(cause that should have stopped me from eating it all together right?)

DAMN... I was all prepared to make myself a lovely chicken salad when he walked in with the Pizza....

I don't think hubby wants to keep me big... he just doesn't want me to be smaller than him... (of course I am, but we have approx the same amount of weight to lose...)

Anywho..... While hubby took the kids out, I put on my new hiking shoes & went for 1 .5 hour walk around town....

I ended up meeting up with hubby & kids at the store & my son asked if he could walk the mile home with me.... Ummm SURE... this is the 3rd time he has walked with mom this week... Kind of cool, the time alone with him & knowing that we are doing something good for ourselves...

I may have overdone it with the walking in the new shoes....as I now have 2 blisters... I may have to give it a rest tomorrow....

I just feel like I need to take advantage of my "MOJO" while I have it.... I am so afraid I am going to wake up & I will go back to my old habits... (OLD...its been about a week & a half)

POSITIVE NOTES....

Saturday is the NATIONAL day of crap & junk food.... Kids are generally allowed to eat as much junk as they want on Saturdays.... (in the olden days, this is the only day they would get candy...)

This evening as we cuddled up for family movie night, the kids had popcorn (no butter) each child was allowed one glass of diet soda... they seemed totally satisfied... I asked everyone if they wanted apples.... YES... (we as a family do not generally do fruit, unless it involves fresh FATTENING cream...) We all gobbled up a plate of apples & the kids switched over to water....

NO COMPLAINTS... ? First week no chocolate on the weekends & they didn't even notice!

I have noticed that the kids are coming in now & getting themselves water instead of asking for Milk, or juice, or soda..... I am AMAZED....

So the ladies coffee I went to last night? On the table were cheesecakes, carrot cake, chocolate cake, imported chocolate cookies from England.....& fruit salad..

Although I wasn't hungry, I took a small serving of fruit..... (WHO AM I?) & although the carrot cake was very tempting...it looked delicious.... I just had NO urge to even taste it.... & I didn't feel like I was missing a thing....

Getting prepped for the weekend...

I woke up HUNGRY this morning.... the kind of hunger, which would normally set me into a tizzy ripping through cabinets....

This morning was stressful, we woke up late this morning... (another trigger for me to overeat....)

I get the kids off to school...still STARVING... with nothing in the house I want to eat...I am fruit-ed & yoghurt-ed OUT...

I get to the grocery store looking to buy something to eat RIGHT NOW... I will admit in the past, going to the store CRAZY, HUNGRY has been a BAD IDEA...I would buy all sorts of crap & usually grab a bag of chips or something else equally bad to snack on in the car... (hmmm, wonder why I have been gaining so much weight?)

Today, I went into the store... prepared to "take the day off"...... I have been SOOO GOOD...

I ended up leaving the store with Spiced Ham... mozzarella, tomatoes, cucumbers, and a loaf of warm 5 grain bread.... NOTHING bad even appealed to me...AT ALL...

I am THINKING & FEELING like a thin person.... (I have never felt like this before.... ) Now mind you... I have only lost 6 lbs... so I am a LONG way from my goal.... sometimes I have to remind myself that I have a long way to go... but then again maybe I should just GO with it... Keep thinking fit /thin?

Based on how hungry I was this morning I don't think I ate enough yesterday.... I am not measuring our counting anything...I am just eating when I am hungry because I don't have the urge to snack.... Today I am going to try to eat a little more protein....

On my way to work yesterday I stopped & bought myself new hiking shoes... (it is starting to get slippery over here...) Remembering I had the shoes in my car, I took my lunch break & went for a 30 min walk.... i also did a 30 walk before going to work.... Yea me.... I feel GOOD....

The real test will be tonight... I am going to a ladies coffee...(with lots of yummy Norwegian desserts.... ) I think I will listen to my Hypnosis thing one more time before I go...

How are y'all doing?

Welcome...

Oooo I feel like I am making my Blog debut...

welcome to all of y'all who wondered over from my other blog.... Not a lot to look at yet.... but I am working on it...

I am hoping this blog will be a place to put all of my thoughts about my weight & weight loss down... maybe figure things out... like why do I lose & gain the SAME 30 lbs OVER & OVER & OVER.... (I invite everyone to share... because I think there is a lot to learn from each other...)

I think it is great to have a place to write down all of our accomplishments, & goals... but I also want to figure out why we are where we are... how do we get where we want to go & how to STAY at our goals....

OK the HYPNOSIS I have been using for the past week is called LOSING WEIGHT & done by a man names GLEN HARROLD... I found it on www.Audible.com where you can download books....

I had some free book credits that I used, but I think it costs around $15 for the download...

In MY OPINION this is the best $15 ever spent on trying to lose weight... I have TRIED EVERYTHING..... pills, courses, shakes...& I have NEVER felt like this.....

I am almost afraid to go on & on about this in fear that I will jinx myself, but this time it is DIFFERENT.

As I was walking my 5 miles yesterday (mind you, last week I was thinking a 20 min. walk was a real feat...) it hit me.... I am starting to think/feel like a thin person....

Thin people totally won't get what i am talking about... but anyone who has had an issue with their weight will totally get the "thin thinking" Like your thin friends who say...."OMG I totally forgot to eat today..." OMG...who forgets to eat? I wish.....

But this past week, I haven't been consumed with what i can/or cannot eat.... I have eaten when I was hungry...stopped when i was full, drank lots of water...& walked & walked & walked because it felt to good to be out moving.....

One week down...a lifetime to go...

What a week... personally, I feel like I have kicked butt.



I posted about being FAT on my other blog... I got a lot of ... "Ooo your not FAT!"



First. Umm, yes I am..

Second... The point of the post was not to have everyone tell me that I am not fat... I was just throwing it out there for ME....

I had a couple of people stop following me after that post... Hmmm.. Because they didn't want to read another diet post or because they thought I was whining?



For me... I am bigger than I have been in my adult life without being pregnant... I am about 10lbs less than I was when I delivered my son.... & about 45 lbs more than when I got married.



As I mentioned before I have been on a "diet" pretty much my entire life... starting at the young age of 5....



For the past almost 20 years, I have had a 30 lb up & down... meaning I have lost THE SAME 30 lbs OVER..& OVER & OVER.... except this time... now I am looking at about 40.. 50 if I am honest with all (both) of you...



I am honestly afraid that if I don't do something NOW, next year I will be 60 then 70lbs overweight.



Why is it that I have never gone below those 30 lbs... & why do I allow them to come back?



I have a pretty good idea... when I lose those 30 lbs... (although I could stand to loose a few more...) I start feeling REALLY GOOD... I start feeling like I can eat like everyone else... & I just get comfortable.... & that's when the weight starts coming back...



Although I look GOOD 30 lbs lighter... I am still not comfortable in bathing suits... ( I will wear them, but don't feel GOOD) I will NOT wear anything sleeveless EVER... & only wear t-shirts with out a sweater when I MUST....



I feel like my entire life has been finding camouflage... how to hide my arms & my fat back... I am just tired of it...



My GOALS as of right now are....



Have my suites for work be comfortable... (be able to close them without looking like a stuffed pig)



Wear my wedding band, which I haven't been able to in 5 years... (since I got pregnant with #2)



Oh ya, & feel good for my Office Christmas party....



But more important, I want to FEEL GOOD I have felt like crap for so long I don't remember what it is like to feel good.



I am/have always been the "BIG GIRL" I was the BIG one at school, I am the BIG one out of my sisters... I am the BIG one at the office... I am just tired of identifying myself with being big...



But now for the GOOD NEWS... as of today I am 4 lbs down from last Wed. HOLY SMOKES... must be something wrong with the scale... Or maybe, just maybe I am doing something right this time...



I have been walking EVERY DAY...& think seriously, I am addicted to it... I have already planned my next walk... & am starting to figure out when i will be able to walk without kids tomorrow...



I walked an hour today (Sun.)

2 hour hike up the mountain (Sat.)

45 min walk (Friday)

1 hour on (Thursday)

45 min (Wed.)



I was going to bring my shoes & walk durning my break while I am at work today... but it was too cold... Or maybe I am afraid of this crazy walking woman I have become?



I have quit SODA COLD TURKEY... (since Wed.) I am a soda ADDICT I can drink 1.5 lt a day...some days more... But since Wed. NADA...

I downloaded a Loose Weight hypnoses... & gosh darnit... I think it is working...

My husband thinks I am a kook... But if it has helped me, for whatever reason... I will take it...

I am really trying to think of this as a lifestyle change... & not a diet (as we have all heard a million times before....) I am trying to brace myself for the long haul. Which means... not weighing myself everyday... I am wanting BIG things to happen, big changes & big weightloss & when it doesn't all fall off in a day, I tend to beat myself up about it....

I WILL NOT weigh myself until Wed. PROMISE....

Made some Good Choices for myself this week... Yippee!

Birth of a New Blog.... My Choice

The birth of my new blog.... the blog where I can be honest... & say what I think.... & start working on ME. & start re thinking my choices....

I find it impossible to keep a diary... but post it on the Internet for the world to read... &
I am so there...


I think...I am in the midst of a mid life crisis... or maybe in a more positive light... I have had my A -HA moment?

I was sitting on face book in total AWE of a former classmate & how THIN she was.... she is on drugs... she must be... she, like myself...was on the "roundish" side in HS....... she slimmed down... WAY down... So I was thinking DRUGS...or eating disorder...
Hmmm... wish I could have a little bit of an eating disorder....

(I realize that eating disorders are not funny....but for all of us who have ever struggled with our weight... you know you have WISHED for a little tiny bit of what ever makes anorexics tick....the same way I wish I had a little OCD when it comes to keeping my house clean & organized)

& then it HIT ME... -I had my A HA moment.... I am the way that I am because of
MY CHOICES... I have never really thought about my weight / issues like that...

I have spent my ENTIRE LIFE battling the bulge... I was put on my first diet at 5... & have lived with the ups & downs ever since.....

I have been in a downward spiral for the past year.... bigger than I have been in a long time... since a teenager I have yo-yo ed my way between a size 8-16... I would be "fat" for a few months (14-16) & then "slim" back down to a (10-12) I have always been able to take the weight off or at least down when I was in a crunch.... but not this time... this time I feel like I am getting bigger & bigger & bigger.... & I am unable to stop it.

To be honest, this is the first time I have tried to drop the weight without the help of diet pills... I lost 60 lbs after the birth of my son with a little help from Metabolife... by a "little" help, I mean I was popping around 12 pills a day... but DAMN I LOOKED GOOD....

diet pills are not longer an option... am I doomed to be fat & to getting bigger every year?

Then the whole notion of MY CHOICE hit me again... I have a choice to how I WANT to be... how I want to live... like talking to a toddler..."You can choose this...or you can choose that..." I can give up, & become the fat frumpy 40 year old I am on my way to becoming or I can CHOOSE to do something about it.

I can choose to eat crap & snack... or I can choose to plan a head & make myself healthy meals so that I don't go crazy on crap.... My Choice....

I can choose to plan my day around Oprah & Dr. Phil laying on the couch & feel more & more miserable as nothing fits & I no longer want to leave the house.... or I can choose to turn off the TV & MOVE.... every step helps right? MY Choice....

My choices over the past few years have been to give up on myself... to lose myself in my husband & my family, & not to take care of myself... that was MY CHOICE... but now, I CHOOSE to take care of ME... I choose happiness... & health...

Some of the choices I have made over the past few days have been... throwing away the sweets & cakes in the house that I am unable to say no to... I CHOSE to not eat the crap...

I choose to take time for myself walking...just walking & walking & walking... It isn't a fancy gym...but it is movement... it is getting me out of the house, away from kids & husband giving me some much needed ME time... moving in the right direction.

My goal right now is to take responsibility for MY CHOICES... if I end up gaining another 10 lbs this year it is MY CHOICE... my responsibility... then again I can start making different better choices right?

Today..right now, I choose me....